Questions To Ask Before Moving In With Someone

Making the decision to move in with your partner can be a joyous and exciting milestone, but it can come with some feelings of anxiety or worry, too. Sharing a living space with another person, especially a romantic partner, can be a significant step to take in your relationship. Before moving in together, there are some factors you may want to take into consideration. 

The questions you might ask before moving in with someone span a variety of topics, from how you’ll handle conflict together, to how you’ll deal with grocery shopping. Starting off aligned on your expectations and goals can help create a strong foundation for your time together. Keep reading to learn more about the different questions you may want to explore with your partner before moving in with them.

Why are we going to take this step?

One question you might want to start with is, “Why are we going to move in together?” This can be a deceptively simple question with very complicated answers. There may not be one answer, and that’s okay. Some reasons that partners move in together include:

• To pool resources or save money
• As a stepping stone to marriage
• Because it seems like an expected “next step”
• To spend more time together
• Convenience of living situation
• To make the other partner happy

While some of these reasons are valid, some may not stand well on their own, and you may find that you have certain ideas about living together that are not shared by your partner. Living together because you perceive it’s expected of you, or because all your friends are doing so may not be the most logical reason for making this kind of decision. Talking it out together can help ensure that your answers align and that you feel comfortable with your reasoning as well as your partner’s. 

What are our expectations for the future?

Where do you see yourselves down the road? Do you plan to remain an unmarried couple, or are you living together as a precursor to engagement or marriage? Are you thinking about future children, or are you happier childless? These could be questions you’ve already been discussing, but if you aren’t clear on the answers before moving in together, this may be your opportunity to start talking. Bringing two households together can be a significant change, and separating those households later on can be difficult. It may be wiser not to embark on a step like this in the first place if your future plans aren’t in alignment. 

What about finances?

A common topic of argument for couples is money. You may encounter issues if you make assumptions about how your bills will be divided up, or how your bank accounts will be managed. Do you plan to keep your finances separate, or have a joint account? Will you share a household account or maintain individual accounts? Avoid waiting until the bills start piling up to make these plans, as this could lead to unnecessary stress down the road.

What will daily life look like in our shared household?

Rather than figuring everything out as it comes up or making assumptions, it can be beneficial to discuss what daily life may look like beforehand. Before moving day, try to talk about the type of system you’d each like to have when it comes to household responsibilities and taking space for yourselves. Let’s take a look at some life practices and procedures to discuss with your partner. 

• Chores. Domestic labor is another hurdle that can trip up many couples. How do you plan to divide up the household chores? Decide whether you will share cooking duties, or if one partner will be in charge of meals. Are you taking turns with the dishes, or is one of you more inclined to take on that duty if the other will do all of the toilet scrubbings? It may seem like a minor thing, but if you don’t address it ahead of time, domestic labor can become a source of contention in a relationship. 
• Sleeping habits. Are your sleeping habits compatible? If you are both on entirely different sleep schedules, you may want to talk about the use of earplugs, headphones, and lights at night. Some couples even find that separate rooms are what they need to thrive. Having separate personal spaces for alone time can be beneficial, and many couples find that their sex life can still be just as robust even if they are sleeping in different places. It all depends on your preferences and needs, as well as your partner’s.
• Carving out your own time. When you live separately, it’s often easier to create space for yourself, your friends, and your personal interests. When you live with someone else, there can be more barriers to each of these. Talk with your partner about how you plan to spend your downtime. You don’t need to create a detailed schedule but could say something like: “I’d like to keep Saturday nights open for my regular girl’s night, and I would love it if we did fun stuff on Friday night, and maybe have a quiet Sunday. What are your thoughts?” 

Are we prepared to see each other at our worst? 

Many couples who haven’t lived together may not have seen some of the less attractive or difficult parts of each other. In addition, little pet peeves that don’t seem like a big deal when only seen on occasion may seem far more annoying when lived with every day. If a partner falls ill (even with a minor cold or flu), they may act very differently from what you have experienced while living in separate locations. You might see them come home from their job each day needing space as they de-stress. Ultimately, you may find yourself dealing with another human being in a limited space, in a way that you might not be ready to handle. 

How do we currently deal with conflict?

Finally, are you and your partner familiar with handling conflict together? Or, in simpler terms: Have you had fights? As with some other unsavory things like passing gas or using the bathroom, disagreement may be avoided in the earlier stages of a relationship. If you haven’t dealt with any disagreements, you may be unsure of how to resolve conflict with each other in a healthy way. One partner may simply give in to demands because they dislike conflict, which can lead to resentment and problems down the line. 

Conflict management doesn’t always come easily, but these skills can be learned and improved upon over time. It can be helpful to go into a joint living situation knowing how both you and your partner handle conflict and how living together may change, help, or hinder that process.  

Online therapy for conflict management 

If you’re considering moving in with your partner and want guidance before or during the process, it may be helpful to enlist the support of a therapist. A successful relationship is often built on communication, and therapy can help couples navigate talking about topics that are difficult, or even off-limits. You can access individual therapy through a platform like BetterHelp or couples therapy through Regain. Online therapy focuses on your preferences and needs so that you can get personalized support. Whether you and your partner have demanding careers or childcare responsibilities, being able to speak with a therapist from your home may make therapy more convenient and accessible. 

The efficacy of online therapy for conflict management 

Studies show that relationship satisfaction is significantly higher in those who have participated in couples therapy, and that couples who do it together are more likely to revisit therapy again if needed. Research has shown that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy in assisting individuals and couples alike. In one study, researchers found that a couples counseling program delivered via videoconferencing was effective and a “viable alternative to face-to-face interventions.” This was particularly true for those couples who lacked access to appropriate care. 

Takeaway 

Living with your partner can be both exciting and fulfilling if you are prepared for what to expect. By asking yourself and your partner a few simple questions, you can feel more confident about how you’ll navigate your new life together. If you find that you are having trouble communicating your wants and needs, therapy can be an effective way to gain the tools you need for building a successful live-in relationship. While relationships can come with plenty of unknowns, you don’t have to navigate them alone. Speaking with a therapist can be a useful intervention for setting realistic expectations and understanding the most effective ways to manage conflict with your partner. Online therapy provides a convenient and easy way to get care from the comfort of your home.