Tips For Leaving A Toxic Relationship

Content Warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

Healthy relationships should be uplifting, fulfilling, and balanced. However, not all relationships are healthy. Only you can decide when you’ve reached the limit of what you’ll tolerate in a relationship, but there are some signs that could indicate you’re in an unhealthy partnership. There’s a difference between wanting to end a toxic relationship and having the resources to facilitate your departure. Read on to learn practical tips to help you leave a toxic relationship and how online therapy can help you recover when you go.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is harmful to one or both partners. Some relationships involve abuse, controlling behavior, or traits that support an imbalanced power dynamic. In these relationships, conflicts are more likely to occur due to ineffective, unhealthy communication. Abusive relationships can look different for everyone, but they generally involve one partner wielding power over the other to manipulate them or intentionally cause mental and emotional distress. Not all abuse is physical, and the dynamics in every relationship can vary.

What makes a relationship toxic or abusive? 

According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, domestic violence (DV) refers to behavioral patterns one partner uses to maintain power and control over the other person in an intimate relationship. DV occurs in the shared home and is also called intimate partner violence (IPV) when it happens elsewhere. 

“Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. People of any race, age, gender, sexuality, religion, education level, or economic status can be a victim—or perpetrator—of domestic violence.” — National Domestic Violence Hotline

Types of abusive behavior and domestic violence can include:

• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse and assault
• Emotional abuse
• Verbal abuse
• Financial abuse
• Technological abuse
• Controlling behavior
• Abusing consent
• Creating and reinforcing imbalanced power dynamics
• Emotional blackmail and manipulation
• Threats or violence

Why is it difficult to leave a toxic relationship?

Many people question why someone would stay with their partner after the first incidence of abusive behavior. However, it’s not always a simple choice. Entwining your life and emotions with someone else is a complex process, and it can be incredibly challenging to walk away, even when you know it’s the right option for you. Here are some common reasons why people may struggle to leave a toxic relationship:

• Fear: Your partner’s behavior may leave you afraid—for your safety, children, and future. You might believe your partner’s words, that they are right and no one else could ever love you if you left them. Abusers typically want their targets to be afraid so that they won’t be challenged.  
• Codependent behavior: It can be hard to break away from codependent patterns when you’re used to taking on the burden of making things work. While unhealthy, it can be familiar to stay in a toxic relationship. People often resist the unknown in favor of what they know they can handle, even if it makes them unhappy. 
• Shame: You may have hidden the truth of your situation from friends and family because you’re ashamed and afraid to ask for help. 
• Children: If you have children with someone, you have legal and parental responsibilities that may require you to co-parent. Concerns over ongoing communication and custody may present obstacles to leaving. 
• Love: After building a life and possibly having children with your partner, you may experience confused, lingering love for them, even when they treat you poorly. 
• Finances: If your partner controlled all the finances or insisted you stay home while they worked, you may be financially dependent on them for necessities like shelter, food, and clothing, with no career to fall back on when you leave. 

Tips for leaving a toxic relationship

Once you've decided to end the relationship, it can be helpful to understand what you can do to make the process as conflict-free and safe as possible. 

• Make a plan for your departure: Chances are that you’re not in a position to just pick up and leave. You may be financially dependent on your partner or isolated from supportive resources. Your efforts may be more successful if you plan for what you’re going to do and how you will support yourself and any children involved. Where will you go? What possessions are so important you couldn’t bear to leave them behind? Since you’re likely to be navigating a complex path, it can be helpful to take the time to prepare. 
• Build a support network: Talk to the friends or family members you trust and tell them what you’ve been experiencing. By honestly sharing your experiences of being in an unhealthy relationship, you can bring people into your support network and rely on them as you adjust to the numerous changes you’ll face over the next few weeks, months, and even years. You might also consider adding a professional to your support network.
• Find a way to become financially independent: One of the most crucial aspects of your plans to leave a toxic relationship can involve how you’re going to move forward on your own. Do you have a career or a way to secure a place to live and support yourself in the future? If you share children with your partner, there’s a chance you’ll face a custody battle, and you’ll need a steady income to prove yourself a fit parent who can provide for them. Financial independence can be a necessary ingredient to leave toxic relationships.
• Tell someone your plans: You may have been keeping your relationship troubles to yourself, but ensuring someone else is aware of your plans and what's been happening between you and your partner can be beneficial. If you don’t have any friends or family to talk to, try speaking with a counselor at a shelter or community mental health center. 
• Speak to a mental health professional: Feelings can be complex and aren’t always rational. You may still love your partner and experience conflicting emotions as you process the split. Working with a licensed therapist specializing in relationship issues can help you determine what went wrong and how to build healthy relationships moving forward. 
• Go no-contact and block their social media: An ex-partner who is toxic may try to lure you back with emotional blackmail and promises that things will be different. Studies show it could help you to cut off communication with your ex when you leave, blocking their social media and devoting that attention to taking care of yourself. However, if you have children together, you’ll likely need to communicate about co-parenting. In that case, consider only talking to them about the children. 

“The newly brokenhearted have good reason to try to avoid their exes both offline and on. It often hampers the healing process.” —  Digital Heartbreak, American Psychological Association

In the aftermath of a toxic relationship

Once you’ve left a harmful relationship, it can be helpful to do the following as you heal from your experiences:

• Give yourself time and space to grieve: Losing a relationship can be an emotionally challenging experience that may leave you with many unresolved, potentially conflicting emotions. Give yourself some time and space to feel and process your feelings. 
• Prioritize your self-care: While you're healing after ending a toxic relationship, taking time to care for yourself can be vital, safeguarding your mental, physical, and emotional health and well-being. 
• Find a new normal: As time passes and you continue living free from the stress and strain of your former relationship, it can be helpful to adapt to your changed circumstances and move on with your life. This might involve a new daily routine or regular hobbies, among other healthy changes.
• Date yourself and set the standard for treatment: Rather than jumping into a rebound relationship, consider dating yourself for some time. Rediscover who you are and what you like and set the standard for the treatment you’re willing to accept in the future. 

Resources to help you leave a toxic relationship

A partner who is abusive might isolate you and try to convince you that no one will care or help you get away from them. Not only is this untrue, but if your safety and well-being—or that of your children—depend on leaving, it can be even more crucial to know that help is available. You can do the following upon deciding to leave a toxic relationship:

• Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline through the website for live chat, call 1 (800) 799 SAFE (7223), or text START to 88788 for information and resources about leaving abusive relationships. 
• Even without friends or family nearby to help, you have options if you want to leave. For example, you may be able to find a domestic violence shelter near you. 
• Search for local organizations dedicated to providing a safe harbor for survivors of domestic abuse. 
• Look for local and online support groups so that you can talk to others who’ve experienced similar situations and understand how you feel. These individuals may offer insight into how to heal and move forward. 

How online therapy can help you recover from toxic relationships

You may experience numerous confusing and conflicting feelings as you go through the process of leaving a toxic relationship. Instead of trying to manage this difficult time on your own, it can be helpful to have a supportive professional in your corner to offer encouragement and guidance. 

Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can connect you with a therapist who understands the complexity of toxic relationships. If you’re concerned about other people knowing you’re attending therapy or need a discreet way to get support, this form of care may provide the security and convenience you need. You can speak with your therapist through video chats, phone calls, or in-app messaging without having to worry about driving to an office or processing sessions through insurance. Therapy can help you examine your past experiences for lingering emotional issues so you can move into your future with emotional intelligence, awareness, and literacy. 

The efficacy of online therapy

Research has shown that individuals who have experienced intimate partner violence (IPV) and other forms of abuse could benefit from participating in online therapy. In one study, researchers assessed an internet-delivered cognitive-behavioral therapy intervention for survivors of IPV and found that participants experienced statistically significant reductions in symptoms of PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Additionally, their quality of life improved. CBT is a form of therapy that teaches people how to recognize and reframe their unhelpful thoughts to promote healthier ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. 

Takeaway 

Choosing to leave a toxic relationship can be difficult, with numerous obstacles preventing an easy path in any direction. It can be helpful to be aware of the signs of a harmful relationship and recognize when it’s time to leave. If you need tips for leaving a toxic relationship or are helping someone close to you leave, it could be useful to connect with a licensed online therapist. Online therapy can offer convenient and secure support from anywhere at any time, ensuring that even the most vulnerable individuals can get the help they need.