Still In Love With Your Ex? Why It May Be Difficult To Move On

Going through a breakup can be a complicated and unpleasant experience. If a relationship has recently ended and you’re still feeling lingering emotions for your former partner, it may seem as though you’ll never be able to move on. So, how common is this experience? 

One study suggests that as many as 44% of couples in the US have gotten back together after breaking up, though the number of those rekindled romances that lasted was not reported. If you’re still feeling love toward your ex, it can be helpful to examine where these feelings are coming from before taking any action. Below, we’ll aim to help you understand why you may still feel this way, and we’ll offer a few strategies that might help you work through these feelings. 

Reasons you might still love your ex”

Each relationship and each breakup is unique, so there are a variety of different reasons you may still feel attached to your former partner—even if you initiated the end of the connection. That said, the scenarios listed below are common, and one or more may resonate with you.

Lack of closure

If your former relationship ended seemingly out of the blue, you may be left feeling stunned and wondering what went wrong. This situation can seem especially jarring in long-term relationships or those in which you had made concrete future plans together.

If your partner ended your relationship and didn't provide a thorough explanation behind their choice, you may feel as though you don't fully understand why things couldn't continue. Even if you were the one to break things off, you might feel confused about how the end came about. Regardless, not understanding how a situation came to be or if the decision truly feels right to you may encourage you to ruminate on the topic and wish nothing had changed.

Positivity bias

The human brain has what is known as a “negativity bias,” which means that negative information is more easily processed and remembered. It’s thought to be an evolutionary strategy that was originally used to help us avoid potentially dangerous situations and stay alive. This bias can sometimes be reversed in situations involving past relationships. 

Because humans are social creatures and connections to others help us survive, our brains may default to a “positivity bias” when relationships end. We may be more likely to reflect on the good qualities or fond memories of the other person and forget the unpleasant memories or personality flaws that may have led us to want to end the relationship. 

Change and discomfort

Even if you know in your heart that ending the relationship was best, the actual process of breaking up likely caused some significant changes in your life. For example, a long-distance relationship comes with its unique set of challenges, and its conclusion might leave a particularly poignant broken heart. Maybe the two of you were living together and you had to move into a new space, or maybe you spent a lot of time sharing your thoughts via text or phone call and now you’re feeling more alone.

No matter how big or small the change may be, any adjustment to your routine can put you outside of your comfort zone. You may find yourself craving the company of your ex because it would mean returning to some aspects of your former life together that you are now missing—not because you are actually missing them or want the relationship to resume.  

It is natural to still have feelings for your ex, especially if the relationship was, in a sense, your entire world and a key part of your life. This can be particularly true if what you experienced was real love, making the recovery process even more challenging. Many people may experience a difficult time mourning after a breakup, which can include lingering feelings of love and attachment. However, it is important to recognize the difference between holding on to past feelings and being ready to move forward. 

While it is common to miss an ex-partner, it can be helpful to focus on self-care and find closure to fully heal. Doing activities that promote personal growth and seeking relationship counseling from mental health professionals can help assist in processing strong feelings and moving on. It is okay to cherish the memories shared with an ex, but it is also important to accept what happened and redirect your energy toward your personal well-being.

Entering a new relationship while still holding onto feelings for an ex can be unfair to both you and the other person. You may want to take the time to heal from past hurts before fully investing in a new relationship. Seeking support through counseling may help you deal with strong emotions after a relationship ends and learn how to move forward in a healthy way. 

Tips for processing emotional pain when a relationship ends

Knowing that it’s normal to still have lingering feelings for an ex may not make working through those feelings any easier. After a permanent breakup, it's common to question whether you will ever find true love again. It might take a few months or longer to heal fully, but it's important to hold onto hope and remember that it's possible to stop loving someone who is no longer a part of your life. 

The healing process can sometimes be long and complicated. That said, there are a few strategies you can implement that may help you move on.

Write a letter

If you feel like you lack closure about your past relationship, you may think it could be beneficial to talk to your ex about it. While a conversation with them might be helpful in some cases, there are also many reasons to consider an alternative. For example, your ex may not want to talk to you, the conversation could become contentious, and even if you are able to communicate effectively together, you may still not find the closure you need. 

In this situation, it may be more constructive to write a letter to your ex but refrain from sending it as an exercise for your own peace of mind. Simply taking the time to get all of your feelings out on paper may help you realize why the relationship had to end and what a future without this connection could look like for you. 

Focus on yourself

It may be helpful to frame being single as an opportunity to discover new things about yourself and who you are without your former partner.

Engaging in hobbies you’ve always wanted to try, getting back into a pastime you used to enjoy, engaging in new forms of self-care, and reconnecting with friends you haven’t seen in a while are examples of activities to consider.

Speak with a mental health professional

If you find that lingering feelings of longing or sadness about your ex are affecting your ability to fully engage in your life, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist about it. Sometimes, a stressful event like a breakup can lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression. You don’t have to be experiencing symptoms of a mental illness to find speaking with a counselor beneficial, though; anyone navigating a complex life change or emotional challenge may find it helpful to talk through their feelings with someone who is trained in listening and who can offer research-backed strategies to try. 

If you’re adjusting to life without your ex, it may seem a little overwhelming to think about seeking out an in-person counselor near you who has availability. This situation is one in which online therapy may be a more convenient alternative to traditional in-person sessions. Through a service like BetterHelp, you can talk to a licensed therapist virtually from the comfort of your own home and on a schedule that works for you.

Research has demonstrated that online therapy may be just as effective as traditional in-person therapy when it comes to helping people navigate mental health conditions and life challenges, including breakups. For example, one study suggests that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) delivered in an online format can be beneficial in addressing symptoms of depression and anxiety, both of which can occur after a romantic relationship ends. If you think that talking to a professional may be helpful in processing feelings about your ex and your breakup, in-person or online therapy could be a positive resource for you.