How To Start Letting Love In And Embrace New Relationships

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), having strong social connections can positively affect various aspects of health, from decreasing the risk of depression, dementia, and heart disease to improving stress resilience, sleep, and quality of life. Despite its importance, some people may feel hesitant, uncomfortable, or even afraid when faced with the opportunity to engage in some kind of close relationship with another person. 

Whether you’re in a relationship and struggling to receive affection from your partner or you hold back from deeply engaging in other types of relationships, there are many reasons why you may have a hard time letting others get too emotionally close.

Regardless of the cause, it’s not uncommon to feel some fear or resistance to receiving love in the form of affection, gifts, compliments, accepting help, or others. That said, learning to give and receive love in the ways that work best for you can be important for building healthy social connections, which can positively impact overall health.

While not everyone is interested in opening themselves to a romantic relationship, feeling closed off to connections of all kinds—including friendships or family relationships—could be detrimental to health. Since the reasons for feeling resistant to receiving love and affection can vary widely, so can the signs. That said, here are a few that could indicate that this is what’s going on. 

You have irrational thoughts of things not working out

When you’ve been in relationships before—especially romantic relationships—you might have felt overcome with thoughts or concerns about things not working out. If you’re constantly worried about whether your connection might end, receiving love can be more difficult. Relationships of all kinds involve some vulnerability and risk—but if you’re too afraid of what might come in the future, you could be closing yourself off from love in the present.  

You only date casually 

Not everyone is interested in romantic relationships, and those who are may prefer shorter-term connections, which is valid. However, for individuals interested in the closeness of a longer-term romantic partnership but find themselves repeatedly drawn toward casual connections, it could signify some measure of being closed off to love. 

To better understand your feelings about longer-term romantic relationships, you might aim to picture your life in five, 10, or 15 years and imagine you might be surrounded by. Working with a therapist could also help you examine your thoughts on this topic; more on this below.

You don’t prioritize your own hobbies or interests

Focusing on yourself and your own world may seem antithetical to letting outside love in. However, consider the perspective that a person who invests in themselves is likely someone who has some measure of self-love and self-esteem. These two qualities are often a precursor to being able to give and receive love from others.

You have a tendency toward perfectionism

The American Psychological Association defines perfectionism as “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.” It also notes that this tendency is associated with mental health conditions like depression and eating disorders, and it has the potential to cause challenges in one’s relationships as well. No individual or relationship will ever be perfect, and accepting this fact is generally required in order to engage in satisfying connections. Someone with perfectionistic tendencies may face challenges in this area.

Whether it’s due to an experience with your ex or your former best friend, past hurts that haven’t healed could significantly affect the way you relate to others. For instance, you might consciously or subconsciously fear being hurt in the same way again, leading you to avoid close connections. Negative experiences and trauma from the past can play a large part in a person’s thoughts, behaviors, and relationships, so addressing them could be the key to opening yourself up to loving relationships of various kinds.

You have difficulty accepting compliments

Do you struggle with what to say when your partner or a friend compliments you? Compliment-giving can vary from culture to culture, and there are certain types of compliments a person may not like receiving. But if you feel unworthy or uncomfortable with positive feedback or warm words in general—even from those you're closest to—it could indicate low self-esteem, which research suggests may be linked to trouble with relationships.

You don’t like deep conversations

If you prefer to stay surface-level with your conversations, it could be a sign that you’re not ready to be vulnerable with other people. Not every conversation has to be deep, and you don’t have to share your feelings with everyone. However, if you don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable and having these types of conversations with anyone at all, you could be pushing love away.

Five strategies to open your heart and let love in   

There are a few strategies you can try to let more love into your life. 

1. Take note of how you feel when you receive affection 

If you find yourself resisting affection, try to pause at that given moment and reflect on this response, asking yourself why you might feel uncomfortable or unable to feel safe. It’s not uncommon for discomfort in receiving love to stem from past experiences or childhood, where love was conditional or scarce. Understanding your reactions to affection may help you recognize potential barriers to accepting love and working to overcome them. Try to be patient with yourself as you notice resistance or discomfort, and remember that awareness is often the first step toward healing. 

2. Communicate with loved ones about your feelings 

Sharing your struggles around accepting love can be challenging, especially when trying to convey the complexity of your emotions or the idea that you're focusing on healing from wrongs done in the past. However, talking about how you feel with someone you trust can be a way to better understand your resistance and even get some reassurance in a safe environment. This vulnerability can help strengthen your existing connections, lay the groundwork for more effective communication of your needs, and lead to a healthier way of receiving or giving love. 

3. Consider how you’d like to receive love

Different individuals may have unique preferences on how they like to receive love, often aligning with the five love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, and acts of service. Communicating your preferred love language to those around you may help improve your ability to receive affection. For example, you might teach a romantic partner, parents, or children about what brings you happiness and joy from love, empowering others to express their love in ways that resonate more deeply with you. 

4. Recognize that you deserve love 

Recognizing that you deserve love can be one of the first steps in allowing yourself to receive it from the right person or loved ones around you. Building this kind of self-worth is usually a gradual process that can be helped along by self-reflection, self-compassion, and therapy. Try not to forget that we are all deserving of love in our lives. In moments of self-doubt, you can remember to listen to your inner voice with respect and kindness.

5. Seek support from a therapist  

When someone has difficulty receiving love, there may be underlying mental health challenges or the effects of past trauma at play. A therapist can help you identify and challenge irrational thoughts about love, come to terms with any underlying challenges, and talk through strategies for healing. For example, they might recommend other tools like keeping a journal to write down thoughts and feelings that may be causing problems.

If meeting with a therapist in person seems too difficult with your schedule, online therapy may be a better fit for you. With online therapy, you can meet with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your home at a time that works for you. Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as in-person sessions in treating common mental health challenges and improving self-esteem.