What Does Real Love Look Like?

What does the research say about love?

Neurochemical models

Oxytocin, another neurochemical, is associated with deep feelings of attachment and bonding. This neurochemical is commonly released along with vasopressin, which is linked to behavior that may lead to long-term monogamous relationships. 

Investigations have revealed that the neurochemistry of love changes throughout a romantic partnership, marking a journey that spans the whole life of the relationship, from the first sight to the deep, enduring bond where true love exists. In the beginning, sex hormones like testosterone drive a new relationship forward through physical attraction. As the relationship progresses, dopamine and serotonin activate the brain’s reward system, prompting a person to want to be near the object of their affection. Oxytocin and vasopressin can stabilize the partnership, completing the transition from lust and passion to stable commitment. 

Social models

One well-known model is Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. Created by Robert Sternberg, an American psychologist, the theory breaks love into three fundamental components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion refers to attraction to a partner, intimacy refers to a close connection, and commitment refers to a choice to prioritize a romantic partner. Sternberg theorized that different levels of the three love components produced other types of love. For example, the love of a close friendship was high in intimacy and commitment but low in passion. An ideal romantic partnership, according to Sternberg, is high in passion, intimacy, and commitment. 

While Sternberg’s theory is commonly referenced, it has also come under criticism for its inability to capture certain types of loving relationships. For instance, it cannot account for asexual romantic relationships, which would be inconsistent with Sternberg’s conceptualization of an ideal partnership. Other social models, like the quadruple framework, have expanded on Sternberg’s theories, but some may still lack a complete conceptualization of love that works for everybody. 

Developmental models

One of the most common ways adult romantic love is described is through the lens of attachment theory. Attachment theory was first conceived to explain the bond between a young child and their caregivers. Still, decades of research revealed that those bonds substantially influenced how people form romantic attachments in adulthood. The model describes two broad types of attachment: secure and insecure. People who are securely attached may experience healthy relationship behaviors. They can be comfortable connecting emotionally, spend time alone, and give or receive support when needed. 

Contrarily, those with a form of insecure attachment may be anxious about losing their partner, avoid connecting emotionally, or develop a combination of the two. Research indicates that these attachments are directly related to experiences people had as young children. Those with loving, nurturing parents tend to develop secure attachments in adulthood, while those with distant or harmful parents are likely to find healthy love more difficult to reach. However, it is possible to change your attachment style if you’re struggling with insecure attachment in adulthood. 

Can any theories predict “real” love?

Various theories describe facets of romantic love, including those described above. You may have noticed that each theory investigates what is typical among humans, but none claims to be able to determine whether you are experiencing real love or whether you find it false. The uniqueness of love can play a strong role in this factor. While models, frameworks, and theories can describe general features of love, such as the moments we miss our partners when apart, it is up to each person to determine whether their feelings are genuine. 

Features of a loving relationship

A sense of mutual respect

Respect, kindness, and empathy are commonly considered the cornerstones of a healthy romantic partnership. Partners embrace the whole person opposite them, valuing their unique qualities and working together to nurture a positive relationship. When partners feel upset, they bring their concerns to each other healthily and productively.

Enjoyment of each other’s company

If you don’t like being around your partner, it might be worthwhile to listen to your feelings. Some alone time can be healthy and part of any relationship, but people in love often enjoy spending time together.

Mutually beneficial interactions

In a healthy relationship, both partners can act as catalysts to help each other develop the best version of themselves and explore their own values. Loving relationships often allow partners to lift each other up, encourage each other, and help each other achieve their goals, desires, and dreams. 

Abundant trust

Trust can be a crucial part of any romantic partnership, and some people in love may prioritize maintaining a sense of openness and trust. Trust behaviors, like keeping each other's secrets, may also bolster closeness. Honesty is often the key to building and strengthening trust, highlighting the difference between a superficial connection and a deep, meaningful relationship.

Intimacy beyond the physical

In the early stages of a romantic partnership, intimacy may refer primarily to physical contact and affection. As the partnership progresses, emotional intimacy can gain more significance. It's about connecting more deeply and understanding each other's wishes, fears, and joys. This form of intimacy is a profound expression of love, allowing partners to discuss their innermost selves. Over time, lovers guess less about each other's feelings and understand more deeply what matters to their partner.

Embracing differences 

In a loving relationship, partners come to realize and embrace their differences as strengths. This process involves both people, learning from each other and growing together. Recognizing and accepting what makes each person unique can be rare but essential for a relationship to thrive.

Growth and self-discovery 

In a loving relationship, both partners learn more about themselves. Over two years or more, they get involved in each other's lives, helping to see where they might be wrong. This journey can beis unique to the couple, showing that growing together makes both people stronger.

The above list doesn’t describe every aspect of a loving romantic partnership. However, these features are commonly reported in happy relationships. It may also be helpful to watch out for unrealistic expectations. For example, some people become concerned they did not truly fall in love if passion fades as their partnership progresses. Often, passion starts high and tapers to a stable plateau over time. Passion does not indicate that love isn’t real. Some experts recommend taking intentional actions to keep passion high in the union, acknowledging that changes in passion happen as part of the relationship’s natural progression.

Support options for a healthy relationship

If you face barriers to speaking to a therapist in person, you might also benefit from online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples. Online therapists have the same training and credentials as traditional therapists. They also use the same evidence-based techniques, like cognitive-behavioral therapy, which could help you better understand the connections between your thoughts, feelings, and actions.